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i am lady lazarus (part ii) [04 Jun 2005|01:19am]
so strange how life can get in a bit of a rut. there is surely nothing as dreadful in the world as unwanted loneliness. lately, i feel resurrected. strange that when i finally feel amongst the living, i am so close to moving. this is fine with me; i am more anxious about moving than anything. but, it is ironic.
1 kissed krishna| rub my buddha

[23 Feb 2005|09:15am]
anxiousness is a bad thing.

a very, very bad thing.

i dont recommend it.
rub my buddha

dont you wanna be free? [06 Feb 2005|11:16am]
what does it take? what does it take to feel as though i have-- and have always had-- some remnant of control over my life?

the answer is not in marytrdom.

someday we will pack up our bags and be so far from this place
1 kissed krishna| rub my buddha

[25 Dec 2004|09:33am]
[ mood | cynical ]

dare i...? dare i rant? on this 'holiest' day of the year in this silly country?
might as well.
this year, i had decided to quit this holiday game, i s'pose you could say. i am so tired of "love" being expressed through sweaters and lip gloss and video games. i am so sick of "love" being expressed by making the owners of the corporate world filthy fucking rich. yes. im sick of fat red men and holiday commercials. im sick of *peace on earth, goodwill to men* being misrepresented in this way. this sickening way.

personally, all i want is peace of fucking mind.
i want to be left alone by you know who.

i do think love and appreciation are beautiful gifts. i can demonstrate these things quite simply. and i want peace as much as the next person (maybe more?)
yes. happy christmas. and i really do mean that.
...in the way that an atheist, ultra-liberal, jaded, socialist person means 'happy christmas.' i hope you all enjoy your new playthings.

rub my buddha

[06 Dec 2004|09:06am]
[ mood | under the radar ]

you ask me if i'm upset.
well, i guess i am.
but not because you're
dulce de leche, and i'm
rocky road. not because

you're selfish, and
i am not. not because

i am nuts, and
you are melt-in-the-mouth.
not because

you are ears
and i am mouth.

no, that's not what
this is about.

search harder,
dig deeper.

rub my buddha

[29 Nov 2004|03:11pm]
[ mood | weird ]

i've only spoken of you once in a while
i've only mentioned you to a soul or two
let me know
got to know
why does the sun shine
when you call?

its the owsley sunshine.
and im obsessed.

2 kissed krishnas| rub my buddha

[27 Nov 2004|04:31pm]
[ mood | migraine ]

i wish
someone would
surprise me.


ima gonna do it.

rub my buddha

[24 Nov 2004|08:04am]
[ mood | liberated! ]

i have been freed from the bonds!!!!

hello unemployment; you could not have graced me at a better time!

rub my buddha

she lays down the knife. [15 Nov 2004|07:49am]
[ mood | finished/reborn ]

...you are no longer the ache that she craves.
nor are you.

and she will survive this change....
she will put the gun next to your head.

...she will let you go,
because you are long gone.
and you are no longer all she has ever known.

...why bother? good question.
i wanted to do better
i wanted to try harder
i wanted to believe
...down to letter.

it was just a bad day,
yes.
that's all...
but you couldnt handle that

so,
no,
no one will carry us
into the arms of forgiveness...
*i will keep my big mouth shut.*

when it came to me,
i wanted whatever what was not in front of me.
that included you, too...

dont tell me your troubles
dont let your pain rain down
i know what my role was,
i invested in the mess
i was a low cost dumping ground.

but,
she said,
"dont take shit."

so, i wont,
i wont
i dont care.
really,
for the first time?

i just want to leave this place,
leave all of it,
that i have been clinging to it
the trouble is,
i was the one.
who kept believing...

but, now i end it, too.
by saying fuck you.

1 kissed krishna| rub my buddha

electioneering [03 Nov 2004|06:53am]
[ mood | disappointed ]

boooo hissss.

what a voting disappointment.
ohio=evil.

and no, i am not speaking about the president. because i really DONT CARE.
nor am i referring to congressmen, judges, or tax levies...

i am talking about a STATE CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT that passed by a LANDSLIDE.


*yet another reason why i pray for NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST*

rub my buddha

[02 Nov 2004|04:56am]
it's time to get our *vote on*

no florida hanging chads
a good voter turn out
and ann coulter can kiss my ass!
"I think women should not be allowed to vote."

may the better presidential nominee win.
1 kissed krishna| rub my buddha

[28 Oct 2004|11:13pm]
c'est l'histoire d'une jeune fille. la historia está llena de celos, mentiras, desconfianzas...

je vous verrai dans la vie suivante/
te veré en la próxima vida
2 kissed krishnas| rub my buddha

[27 Oct 2004|08:12am]
[ mood | somewhat sleepy ]

so funny how i always surround myself with the same old things.
some day i may have a job that i dont dread. no pancakes and over-easy eggs... the yolk ALWAYS breaks, and runs in a soft yellow stream that i would otherwise appreciate if only it didnt mean my imperfection, my inability-- to flip a fucking egg right.

and to be perfect,
and to have that eloquent control over words and thoughts and sounds and abstractions and over-easy eggs,
and here i try,
and here i fail...

and these are the things that get me... that drive me crazy and make me want to kill myself and chop off my hands that are numb all the time anyways. but i suppose i would need another hand to chop them both off, wouldnt i?

and i know this all sounds extreme, but luckily, i am only speaking figuratively. yet, in the end, there is always a glimmer of truth in all that we say.

1 kissed krishna| rub my buddha

and when i reach there, let me know, cos i keep walking... [16 Oct 2004|06:11pm]
[ mood | complacent ]

do you ever feel like you go the wrong direction in some weird way to put yourself closer to the right track?
i guess the reverse could also apply... you do everything right-- like really right-- and you just lead yourself astray...

ha.

i guess this is my life. and i will take a backwards leap stretching two thousand miles-- landing with my feet planted firmly on the ground. and maybe-- just mabye --i will be in the place in which i ultimately have always aspired to be.

rub my buddha

a million birds caught in a windstorm [07 Sep 2004|11:37pm]
[ mood | content ]

this has been a sort of grueling week. internally, i stumbled into my *former* self again. but, alas, i am coming to the other side. the long awaited other side, might i add. i am learning to act out of curiosity-- not impulse. this is a good way of life these days. perhaps someday, this curiosity will become a part of my past as well... i've carried the past so ponderously for so long... now im learning to carry it in a new way... a helpful sort of way.. and this is good...

i can only stay numb for so long, you know.
and when the numbness wears off, i still see myself in the mirror. so i suppose i just might as well deal with it... and stop demonizing myself... move forward from self-pity... move forward from the pity of others... and move forward from longing and regretting... ha. i am trembling... it's scary... it's self-realization... but it's at these moments when i feel a sort of bliss and contentment... i feel reconnected to life... reconnected to creativity... reconnected to genius...

ive seen myself at my most desperate lows. lying in bed in a dark room alone for days. escaping from this life... utterly pathetic... and how i could have thought for an instance that i could be having a positive effect on anyone else's life is beyond me. and now i speak as if i am somehow removed from this former self of mine... and i do not--for a second--believe this to be true....

but.
i am learning.
and learning to learn--
how to want what i have.

*i should be stronger than weeping alone. you should be weaker than sending me home*

3 kissed krishnas| rub my buddha

[11 Aug 2004|10:54am]
weird thing...

so, apparently hawthorne heights is making it. im happy for jt and niki... ick... i know few expected it... so, now, when jt becomes rich (as he is already famous), niki better not forget the lowly college roommate who gave her so much grief.

:(
rub my buddha

[14 Jun 2004|03:33pm]
i miss my nose piercing. im getting it redone as soon as i quit my job. which will be soon. cos ive been there too long. its so jading.

now i will listen to music and write in my *real* journal. b/c its different. and for some reason, better.
1 kissed krishna| rub my buddha

[08 Jun 2004|11:16am]
...she signed her letter "the inevitable end" like so many others. how esoterically trite. there are 7,500-some odd others like her. this constant battle... it confuses the truth. and even her opinion. so, she will never have the skin of a flower petal. never master the piano. and definitely never sing the song; how angelic. "youre all i am, i'm what youre not."

sooner or later. we dont need anything. at all.
rub my buddha

[07 Jun 2004|09:44am]
it's weird when one's great expectations of another human prove an utter falsehood. comm'on kids. let's turn it upside down....

now, i will adore lennon... his hair through my eyes. tossled like i want mine to be. ack. my hands are sticky... i feel dirty.. but i just showered so i guess i'm as clean as i can be.

let's get all gussied up. ;) that was funny. i'll try... i doubt i will be too fruitful at my endeavor. i dont look like an early 20th century portrait or a statue by rodin...
rub my buddha

[01 Jun 2004|01:45pm]
[ mood | happy ]

hello june. what a beautiful way to introduce yourself. no clouds. perfect temperatures. and singing cicadas.

there is an optimism growing... some sort of potential... for something wonderful.

4 kissed krishnas| rub my buddha

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